Stardonic

Alright, I’ll come out and say it: We are getting implants. And we’ll see you soon with something curvier. Until then, our botox injected frontpage will not change.

(Video from Mujse Shaadi Karogi)

Jiah Khan, star of Nishabd, has a special talent it seems.

… when Jiah told Bachchan he smelt good and recognised the brand he was wearing, he brushed the compliment aside and thought it was mere guesswork.

But when the 19-year-old started rattling off brand names that Bachchan wore everyday, the superstar got a tad bit nervous and suspected that Jiah was going through his toiletries!

And then the mystery unfolded. Apparently, Jiah had done a short stint in a perfume factory and had a good nose for perfumes and could recognise any famous brand of perfume or cologne with just a sniff.

Jiah’s talent for spotting smelly things was never in question, was it? She picked a Ram Gopal Varma movie to debut, for chrissake.

She says Bachchan has an amazing collection of cologne and he would sport a new brand everyday during the shooting of Nishabd. [Link]

And why is this a big deal again? If I stunk half as much as Amitabh Bachchan did in Black, I would go out and buy myself a lot of cologne too. And yeah, I’d gladly let Jiah smell me.

Pictures through http://celebworld.wordpress.com/tag/bollywood/jiah-khan/

Sushmita Sen has a craving for marriage, and here she expresses herself eloquently:

“I have always craved for marriage,” Tuesday’s Hindustan Times newspaper quoted her as saying. “I’ve always been a home-lover despite living a very public life.” [Link]

And then, she sends a message to Aliens by talking to them in some sort of strange language that only they can understand.

“I believe all relationships you go through in life are actually a part of that cosmic design where love and marriage finally finds you,” she said. “I believe that will happen to me as well.” [Link]

I don’t know what she said there, but I think it worked, because Shah Rukh Khan signed her for his next movie. Don’t believe me still? Salman Khan is in that movie too. So there.

Actress Gopika has a few tips for Actress Bhavana.

As Bhavana has a good reputation as a character artiste, Gopika has advised her to sustain that status. According to her, once an actress gets into the glamour tagline, it is very difficult to obtain good roles which have immense potential for performance.{Link}

Deja frickin’ Vu. This reminded me of a conversation I had with a fellow Stardonicator on the advantages of dating cheerleaders over supermodels. I told him the same thing, “Dude, once you get into the glamour tagline, it is difficult to obtain a good life which has immense potential for performance.” Then he and I burst out laughing and exchanged member passwords for naughtycheerleaders.com and sexysupermodels.com

Close on the heels of Namitha losing her cellphone to a crow, actor Srikanth seems to have lost his too.

While Namita and Vindhya lost their cell phones earlier, in a recent film event actor Srikanth was stripped off his gizmo… . While Namita and Vindhya lost their cell phones earlier, in a recent film event actor Srikanth was stripped off his gizmo. [Link]

[...] an expensive cell phone, which was reportedly worth Rs. 40 thousand. [Link]

We’ve heard rumors that crows have called up several people in Chennai pretending to be Srikanth and Namitha, and no one can tell the difference. When the next Namitha movie comes out, look carefully: if she seems to be acting better than usual, it is probably the crow you are looking at. And when the next Srikanth movie comes out … yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen.

First photo through http://www.andhimazhai.com

There is this very clever show on radio in Mumbai, called Musical-E-Azam. Occasionally, when the station wants to service their microphones, they get Shankar Mahadevan into the studios to yell questions. And this time, the recipient of all that noise was Sonu Nigam, who shouts back garbage in return.

When did the two of you first meet?

Sonu: Shankar is cool mind stroke person. [Link]

What in the name of God is that supposed to mean? That Shankar strokes his mind? And why would that be cool? That seems like such a dumb thing to do, stroking your mind. Aren’t there better things to stroke out there?

Shankar: You are very religious and superstitious, isn’t it?

Sonu: No. Spiritual is an exaggerated word. I am not superstitious. I believe in mind over matter. I think a lot. [Link]

Oh yeah, we all so totally get it man. You are just spewing out juvenile crap in the hopes that Angelina Jolie will adopt you, right? Don’t even bother, because I am told she’ll only consider actual children. And even if she relaxes the rule, she’ll pick John Abraham over you any day.

Shankar: Tell us about the Himalayas.

Sonu: [...] At one time, I heard the sound of some animals. I was not sure which animal… tiger, deer, snow leopard or a jackal. I kept a knife and spray in my hand for 30 minutes. After waiting for that animal, I realised that I felt the animal didn’t know I am a Sonu Nigam but his food. I realised that I was a piece of meat for him. It was a very important lesson of life. [Link]

If that’s the most important lesson you learnt, what were you up to in your zoology class, huh? That class where they taught you that tigers and deer and jackals make different types of sounds.

Shankar: Chicks are after you since then?

Sonu: I don’t trust chicks these days. These days, chicks are after everyone (laughs).

Chicks. I don’t know why, but that makes me want to go stroke my mind now. Hard.

(Pics through http://bestofangelinajolie.com)

Did you guys read this?

Celina Jaitley spotted Raima Sen settling her luggage at the waiting lounge.

What followed was a reunion of sorts.

The pretty actresses literally jumped around like schoolgirls, indulging in some air kissing and hugging before heading for their respective destinations. [Link]

Whoa. What were these respective destinations? Who else went with them? How do I get there? Why are my eyes glazing over now? Dang.

Kangana Ranaut, “next hottest thing in Bollywood,” had a harrowing experience last month. She was told that she was the recipient of something called the Sabsey Favorite Nayi Heroine award, but when she showed up late at the venue, the organizers had decided to give the award to Soha Ali Khan instead.

“I was told to stay on and that my trophy would be sent to me at home. I sat through the rest of the function without knowing that my award had been given to someone else. I didn’t even know Soha got the award until a friend phoned to say so. It’s rather sad and funny,” said Kangana, who made an impressive debut with “Gangster – A Love Story” this year. [Link]

So when Kangana headed to Kuala Lumpur to receive her best actress award at GIFA, she was understandably worried. What if the organizers decided to give the award to Hrithik Roshan for Krrish instead? Thankfully, nothing of that sort happened, and an elated Kangana decided to hit on Hrithik instead.

After GIFA Kangana has become a huge fan of Hrithik Roshan. “In a world filled with dishonourable intentions Hrithik is such a thorough genteleman. He knows how to make a lady feel special. He spoke to me as if I was the best actress in the world.

I think his wife is very very lucky?Where can I find a husband like that?” sighs Kangana who has no one that special in her life. [Link]

And now, Kangana went to the Dubai Festival where she ran into Jesse Metcalfe, who is some type of male person, I think. And promptly enough,

Whispers Kangana, “I’ve had a secret crush on Jesse whose name I didn’t know. But like any 19-year old my heart would kip beats when he seduced Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives. I’d wish he’d seduce me. And now there he was sitting right in the row in front of me at the premiere of Emilio Estavez’s new film Bobby…” [Link]

Damn, this girl is dangerous. Next time she heads to Florida, I’ll have to make an effort to stay out of sight. You guys will be ok though – most of you aren’t as handsome as me.

Sandhya and Sneha, bless their souls, were returning home on New Year’s Eve when disaster seems to have struck. Sandhya’s rickety old car somehow managed to entangle itself in some quality Chennai slush.

After completing their commitments for a private television channel for a new-year day programme, both Sneha and Sandhya were returning on the ECR in their car. Unfortunately Sandhya’s car got struck and it could not be moved. It was Sneha who rushed to Sandhya’s rescue. [Link]

“Auntyji, if you ever have a flat, give me a call. I got several tires I can spare,” a grateful Sandhya is reported to have said to Sneha before leaving.

The hottest news out of Chennai today is that there was some sort of fire at the house of actor Vijayakumar. Vijayakumar, incidentally, has four kids, all of whom have been in movies at one time or the other. The kids managed to land roles mostly because of Vijayakumar calling in debts from his old producers.

“Remember when I acted in your movie? I acted so much in that role, you owe me big. Now please give my daughter a role, even though she can’t act. After ten movies, we’ll be even.”

If I know my math, there is still a lot of roles left to collect, especially from the producer of Kizhakku Cheemyile. Anyways, here is what happened yesterday:

Fire broke out in the house of actor Vijayakumar at Ekkaduthangal in Chennai on Tuesday. The actor was living in the house along with his son Arun Vijay, who got married recently.

Arun Vijay was the one who saw the billowing flames emanating from the bedroom in the first floor of the office. He immediately alerted Fire Service personnel.

Fire and Rescue Service personnel reached the spot and doused the fire. [Link]

Investigators can safely rule out members of Vijaykumar’s household as possible arsonists. They just aren’t that hot, plus Sridevi was probably shooting in Hyderabad…. On second thoughts, investigators should probably try to find out why the fire didn’t die by itself when it looked at Arun Vijay. I think there might be a Nobel in there somewhere.

In an interview with the Hindustan Times, Ayesha Takia lets people know what she has inside of her.

Of course, I have a killer instinct. [Link]

Umm… I hate to rub it in, but I had known about this for a long, long time. As a matter of fact, I even know where she hides her killer instinct. It is hard to miss, once you know where to look.

Photos through bollyimages.com

Nishabd , the Ram Gopal Varma masterpiece to be, has been wrapped up last month. I think that means it is like done or something. Sadly though, things aren’t looking too good for Nishabd.

Firstly, Amitabh Bachchan sings a song for the movie.

Varma can’t stop raving. “You’ve to hear how Mr Bachchan sounds in the number. When I heard him do the song in Baabul I thought that was the ultimate. But after hearing him sing Vishal’s song in my Nishabd I’ve decided this is his best song ever…” [Link]

I so want to believe that, except:

Ironically the Big B maintains he’s not a singer. “I don’t know how to sing. I never did. Earlier too when I sang for Silsila (Neela aasman so gaya) I cringed. Even now my reaction is the same”. [Link]

You hit the nail on its head, sir. Now may I please request you to watch a few of your movies, say, Boom and Baabul? Do let us know what you think…

And secondly, Nishabd is up against some stiff competition.

… it comes as a surprise to see the pace go down for the publicity of ‘Nishabd’. The promos that had arrived with a bang are suddenly finding them extinct with the promotion of some other films taking precedence over it. A movie that appeared to be coming to the town soon now seems to have gone slow.

One wonders if ‘Nishabd’ would eventually arrive in an anyways overcrowded February that has confirmed releases like Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd., Traffic Signal, Eklavya – The Royal Guard, Shakalaka Boom Boom and Metro lined up. [Link]

Is there any way a movie can compete against Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd. and Traffic Signal and Shakalaka Boom Boom and come out ahead? I think Mr. Varma should rename his movie Nishabd: Silence Is Skimpy to even stand a chance. Whaddya say, Lindsay Lohan?

I still remember it like it was yesterday. One day last month, a mild drizzle had woken up the city. I was out shopping for groceries when I ran into Jessica Alba in a bikini. I closed my eyes and opened them again. In that interval, the girl had morphed into someone that was clearly not Jessica. And in that very same interval, a movie was released in theaters in Tamil Nadu and flopped miserably. It was titled Until There Is A Heart (Nenjirukkum Varai).

Damn, was that the most pathetic first line ever or what. Some moron told me that Jessica Alba would bring me visitors, and I figured I would work her name into my post with a touch of class, but who am I kidding? Eww, I can’t believe people read this blog.

So anyways, what I was trying to say was that this movie – Until There Is A Heart – flopped. And flopped miserably. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Undergarments.

Well, I am not surprised at all, because here is what happened at the premiere:

After watching the preview show, Namita came out with tears in her eyes. Precisely the climax has had its effect on her.

I have never seen a climax like this. I couldn’t control my tears, this movie will be a milestone in Naren’s career, was Namita’s acknowledgement. [Link]

It all sounds good, except that Namitha is the girl that had her cellphone stolen by a crow. And after the robbery, she had tried calling the crow to see if it would pick up her phone. And if she is moved by your movie, you are better off ripping the film roll into bite size pieces and gently wiping her tears off, ’cause whatever you may think of her, she does have a huge heart.

Pictures through thesuperficial.com and thatstamil.com

For the new year, the authors of S*ardonic wish they had a cent every time another wannabe-star loses his or her cell phone. The latest loser on our list is Aryan Vaid. And please don’t ask us who he is – we know little about him, other than that he happens to be on S*ardonic’s favorite TV Show – Bigg Boss. By managing to drown his cell phone along with himself, Vaid poses serious competition to Southie losers Vindya [Link] and Namitha [Link].

We all were supposed to get out of the small boats and into a big one. I had one feet in one boat and the other feet in the other, when the big boat moved. Before I knew it I was in the water sinking downwards. [Link]

Vaid went on to explain that his, er, “sinking” feeling was made worse not by his inability to swim, but because of his cell phone!

Of course I can swim! But have you tried swimming in that deep water at 4.am in the morning with your clothes and boots on, and your mobile in your hand? My phone immediately slipped out of my hand and I’ve lost all my numbers. But at that time it was the least of my worries. All I could think of was how to get out of the water. [Link]

Prashant Raj Sachdev who? That was our question also. So we dug and dug, and then we wished we hadn’t. We’re told that Sachdev is the new Jai in the new Sholay. [Link] And no, we aren’t talking about the new Bhojpuri Sholay. [Link]

Sachdev revealed the secret casting process behind his landing the role:

After answering his queries about my past, modelling, race, shows, what I felt about acting, my thoughts on acting, what an actor is all about, what acting means to me, Ramuji asked me to do something for him.

I knew instinctively this was the time. I spread my arms on the chair, looked at him and said, ‘Do you think I don’t know how to act? I have not come so far to waste time!’[Link]

That outburst worked, and he was cast as Jai. What’s more, Sachdev has even been learning a little bit about how movies get made:

My entire perception of what acting was all about was completely trashed. There was a shot where I am supposed to be resting by the bar with Ajay Devgan. But there is no Ajay. I am talking to a plant or a leaf. That’s what acting is all about. [Link]

Imagine, someday he might even be shown a green screen! Sachdev also admitted to being genetically challenged, and a shape-shifter among other things:

As a school kid Raj says he was “tall, skinny, had thin, long arms, (was) pigeon-chested, (with) thin legs and calves with a wide waist.

I started going to gym but saw no changes even after three months. My instructor told me that I was not genetically gifted. Today, I am proud of having been able to change my body shape. Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it[Link]

It distresses us to see more and more examples of technologically-challenged actresses. First, there was the incident involving a crow [Link]. Now, we hear one more cell phone’s been lost. Vindya lost her cellphone on her way to Bahrain.

S*ardonic’s investigations have so far revealed no animal or avian plot behind this incident. Clearly, the animal kingdom is falling in line with human thinking on the issue, and exhibiting no interest whatsoever in Vindya.

Our leg work did help us find out that having been booted out of the movie industry, the actress appears to have taken up boot-legging data instead:

The mobile, which was worth Rs. 30 thousand rupees had valuable data of VIPs and film folks.” [Link]

Assorted VIPs and film folks mentioned above heaved a sigh of relief as Vindya went on to admit that she has neither a head for numbers nor back up for her, er, valuable data.

I have no back up for the important telephone numbers, which were stored in that phone. I could not even recollect my father’s number, I relied a lot on that phone. [Link]

Ashuthosh Gowrikar, the strong man of Bollywood [Link] reveals that when it comes to animals, he has a weak-heart.

69 elephants, 50 camels and 100 horses will be used to shoot battle sequences. There are two vets on the sets. Every four hours the animals get rest. Their holding areas are sufficiently large and roomy. [Link]

He acknowledges that animal rights have come a long way since the old Haathi Mere Saathi days.

Dharmendra fought lions with bare hands. Thank god animals aren’t treated that way any more. [Link]

You can take a star out of the movies, but apparently not the movies out of the star. Govinda, for example, has been out of movies and into politics for the last five or so years. Or maybe not:

After winning the elections… I wanted to know more about politics and do something for my constituency. After three years, I signed a film [Link]

He does seem to have picked up something from his years as a politician, though. No one else would have the er, generosity, to come up with such gift ideas:

My comeback in Bhagam Bhag is a gift I am giving my family and fans on my birthday. [Link]

He assures us that this gift will come wrapped in a nice package. Govinda has been working hard at losing weight.

I walk and practise yoga for an hour each. [Link]

Although he shares Bhagam Bhag with Akshay Kumar, Govinda makes it clear that he will be No.1, even when he’s in drag.

I will never play a second heroine. Till the end of my career, I will do only main roles, whatever it is. [Link]

Oh…that was Simran. Clearly, the S*ardonic team hasn’t quite recovered from this morning’s trauma. [Link]

Hattip from onlooker

Hi all,

I am married to one of the people that runs this stupid blog.

This morning, he woke up, and discussed several posts with me. The language he used was lyrical and the ideas he put forth were thoughtful. I knew a Pulitzer wasn’t that far off, and I went off to make tea for him.

When I came back, he was slumped in a chair, staring wide eyed at his laptop. He then started talking to me in some sort of alien language.

On the laptop, I found these pictures.

I realized what had happened. I drank the tea myself, and consulted a doctor. Although full recovery is unlikely, he will get back to something approaching normal in a week or so.

He is now relearning English.

I learnt later that he had inadvertently IM’d these pictures to the other people that run this blog, and they are pretty much in the same state.

So give them all a few days, ok? Unless you want to read posts in Alienese.

By the way, I think Ileana sucks. And so does Mamta.

Thanking you. Also thanking idlebrain.com and greatandhra.com for the pictures, which are from movies called Rakhee and Desamuduru.