Stardonic

Nagesh Kukunoor has made a new film – ‘Dor‘. His movies don’t exactly have the masses beating a path to the theaters, as MSN India takes much pains to tell us:

‘Dor’ caters to a niche audience. It seems, Kukunoor has targeted his film for an audience that’s not in the majority. Although handled with utmost sensitivity, you cannot close your eyes to the fact that the execution of the material would appeal to a tiny segment of viewers. And also the Festival circuit. [Link]

The next time they want to write articles that appear to be well, long, why don’t they simply increase font size or line spacing instead? Worked for me in college and it’s faster.

If you ever get around to reading the rest of that article, do let us know what else they said about the movie. Rants apart, we’re glad that there’s a new Kukunoor movie to watch.

V.C. Guganathan has been in the movie business for a long time, and now he is worried about his legacy. Since the easiest way to achieve lasting fame is by making your dream movie, Guganathan will soon direct a movie called Ithu MGR Illam (“This is the house of MGR”). And like we stated earlier, this movie will be Guganathan’s Dream Project.

(If you are one of those non-Tamil readers that reads this blog, the late MGR was an actor-turned-politician who ruled Tamil Nadu for a long time. And, dude, can you email Manoj and let him know where he can find hot pictures of hindi movie actresses?)

Here’s what Guganathan has to say about his movie:

One day MGR appeared in my dream, woke me up, and asked me if I had forgotten him.

The next day, I went to the MGR memorial and started meditating, when I had another dream. This time, I dreamt of Rajkiran sitting on the MGR memorial.

Naturally, I realized that the best lead man for my upcoming movie would be Rajkiran. And so I headed to Rajkiran’s house after a couple of days.

Rajkiran welcomed me in, and told me he knew I would come.

“How?,” I asked.

“Why, MGR appeared in my dream and told me you’d come,” he said.

Hmm. We have no doubts at all that the movie will establish Guganathan’s legacy as one of the top directors in the world. In his dreams, of course. And maybe even Rajkiran’s.

[Link to original story, in Tamil]

Vallavan, starring SilverScreen mascots Nayanthara and Simbu has been in production for… like forever. And everyday, we hear things about the movie that make us lick our lips in anticipation…

Nayan has reportedly performed a scintillating dance number for which she was suspended in midair with the help of steel ropes. [Link]

Go back and read that again: Nayan.Suspended.MidAir.From.A.Mere.Chain. Now just where was this steel maker when the New Orleans levees were being constructed? I am placing an order for hurricane shutters from them right away. Florence, let’s see you break that defense!

It is not like when Nayan was hanging from the chain, Chimpu was idly gazing upwards – he was actually thinking pretty hard. Not many of you know this, but Indian movies don’t get Oscars mainly because the actors are shown smoking cheap cigarattes. Like at the Oscar’s last time, the camera zeroed in on Mammotty smoking a beedi, and the jury was like, “Hey, that’s cheap stuff. No Oscar for you.”

Clever man that he is, Simbu decided to redress the problem in Vallavan.

We also heard that Simbu would be seen smoking imported cigars in the movie, especially in the dance numbers. He has unleashed his own self in the larger than life sequences and is expecting the movie to do well. [Link]

When Vallavan gets that Oscar, you know where you heard it first.

Ever imagined what would happen if you saw Ileana and Mamta Mohandas on screen, in the same Telugu movie? Well, we can tell you, cos’ we have. Projector rooms would explode all over Andhra Pradesh, triggering a chain reaction that would culminate in a second Big Bang. Science, pure and simple.

While even we had given up on the idea, director Krishna Vamsi thought of something original (maybe a first for a desi director). He made Mamta sing playback for Ileana. Genius, Vamsi-garu. Now we know how you landed Ramya.

Krishna Vamsi is directing a film featuring NTR Jr and Ileana. The music is by Devisriprasad. He has given Mamta a song to sing and it will be picturised on Ileana. {Link}

So, can Mamta sing? Yes. She had extensive classical training under the tutelage of the great Chalakudi Bhagavathar and…actually No, we don’t know, and frankly, we don’t care. We just needed an excuse to post their photos…

Know Nila? No?  Ok, here get to know her before we proceed.

When model Meera Chopra moved to Tamil films, she was rechristened Nila (The Moon) by director Surya (The Sun). Now at a recent film shoot, The Moon was supposed to run behind someone called Poochi (The Insect). And that’s what led her to experience the “scariest day in any human being’s life.”

The camera started running and as soon as the director uttered ‘Action’, Nila started chasing poochi. Out of the blue, a street dog appeared from nowhere and ran in chase of Nila – as is the characteristic of dogs. [Link]

Hmm… chasing hot women is a characteristic of dogs? Now why was the neighbor’s dog  after me all the frickin’ time? 

Nila obviously got frightened and ran faster crying her lungs out. The crew and the assistant director came to her rescue driving the dog out from the scene and rescuing the terrified Nila. She seemed to be in shock for half an hour and the shoots resumed after this hullabaloo.[Link]

In short, A Dog chasing The Moon that in turn was chasing The Insect. No wonder this is newsworthy.

When our reporter sought SJ Surya’s (remember him? The Sun) opinion on Nila being chased by strange creatures at film shoots, an angry Surya responded that he had stopped chasing her a long time back. Whatever, boss.

A long time ago, I sat down on National Highway 7, making burgers out of my ass on a rather hot day in the summer of ‘98, and thought to myself – Was an engineering degree really worth all this? Supporting my fucked-up seniors in a cause that would have the Blank Noise Project reach for smelling salts (they propositioned girls, and when the management disapproved, they forced us juniors into a strike. Bravo, you bastards!). And my disillusionment doubled when I saw the Police Task Force van park a few feet away and out from it emerged two dozen uniformed cops brandishing shiny batons.

Question is – Did I get a movie deal out of it?
No.

Apparently, student strikes double as movie auditions these days. Are you 18, pretty and look good in a hazy photo? Then carry a placard and pose good for the photogs. You just might land a role in another crappy Sathish Kaushik movie. Bollywood, raise your voices and say – Inquilab Yamini.

Yamini got her dream offer from Kaushik after he saw her photo amidst the media coverage of the recent strike by students at MCM DAV College. Yamini was one of the students protesting the alleged slapping of a girl by a college professor. Link

Here’s what we think happened next. An emergency faculty meeting was called and Professor Slappy called for a vote on the best way to hit rock-bottom faster. The outcome of that meeting was released to the press.

College principal Puneet Bedi said, “The criteria has been set. Girls matching international modelling standards would be taken into consideration by a panel of experts, who will then help these girls contest in beauty pageants and venture forth for movie screen tests.” Link

I salute you, Ms.Bedi. It’s time we put those uggos in their place. Behind the placards that hide their face.