Stardonic

PUKE ALERT: HIGH, REALLY HIGH

Emraan Hashmi, Bollywood’s Serial Kisser, has stunned the industry by announcing that he has given up kissing. He stood by this new resolution even in the face of considerable temptation. See Exhibit A. We understand that Exhibit A was as stunned as we are to hear the news.

“Nisha rolled over and waited and waited for the kiss… but it didn’t happen! She looked stunned and couldn’t figure out what happened.” [Link]

Exhibit A: Nisha Kothari in a daze after Emran Hashmi didn’t kiss her.

As wonderful as this news is, Silver Screen advises its readers not to bring out the champagne just yet. After all, kissing is just for amateurs. And Hashmi is the consummate professional. This is what he says he will do, if people ask him explicitly enough that is.

When asked if he would refuse if directors ask him to kiss, he replied: “If they ask me to run naked, I have to! I have to be clear about what they want.” [Link]

Exhibit B: Ex-serial kisser, soon-to-be-stripper says chee-chee to kissing

We hear that the pride and joy of Tamil cinema is about to do a French movie! [Link]

Just think of the infinite ways French society is about to benefit – for starters, what they’re about to learn in terms of Fashion alone is surely worth his weight in conflict diamonds! No more boring pin stripes, and white shirts. If you have any hopes of making it in the fashion business repeat this to yourself at least 50 times a day, “Orange is the new black!” and let’s not forget that there’s so much you can do with hair.

And ladies, when you accompany a well-dressed man of the world, please get a grip on yourself! Monochrome is so last year – this year, it’s Multichrome, baby! And if you can throw on a wig, we promise you’ll be throwing telephones in no time at all. [Link]

We hear a woman has soured a close friendship between the two reigning Princes of Sleaze – SJ Suryah and the Chimp. These two were close friends till one of them started going out with our very own bete noire Nayantara. The lady, apparently, does not approve of SJS. [Link]

As difficult as it is for us to agree with her on any matter, we are forced to concede our reluctant admiration. We applaud her valiant attempts to wean her man off at least one of his undesirable habits. We at Silver Screen are no fans of SJS. But we can squeeze an ounce or two of outrage at the shabby treatment he’s receiving from a man he sacrificed working with Vijay for!

Silver Screen proposes a way to untie this Gordian knot. A duel – preferably to the death. Let SJS and Nayantara fight it out for the man they both so desire. And if either of them goes down (and we pray that at least one does), the only decent thing left for the Chimp to do is quit the movie business.

If Tamil movie fans can be spared even one of these individuals, all the blood, sweat and toil that goes into this blog will have been paid off three times over.

Well, practice certainly makes perfect. Manish Malhotra, fashion designer extraordinaire, spent long years designing clothes for two-bit Bollywood stars. And at the end of this excruciating penance, voila, we geeve you ze moment of truth [Link]

Bollywood’s making a sequel to Hera Pheri [Link]. We understand that this is going to be a funny movie. The leading lady takes great effort to reassure us that it’s a funny movie.

Basu says: “It definitely is really funny. Even the songs in the film have comic timing. I am doing an item number with Akshay which is also very funny.”

“I have seen the first film ‘Hera Pheri’. And it is really funny. [Link]

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

PS: A funny item number, forgive me, a very funny item number…Now there’s a first! Perhaps there’s a reason to watch this movie, after all, eh?

So, Hollywood makes the occasional decent movie. And folks in India want to “Indianize” them. Fine, we say. If we have to watch a rehash of an OK English movie, it’s a safer bet than a rehash of an OK Indian movie. [Link]

But surely, there must be some standards! For every Surya playing Guy Pierce, we get saddled with some casting director’s pathetic attempt to pass off Nayanthara as Carrie Ann Moss.

Now, we learn that Karan is apparently playing a role originally played by Patrick Dempsey [Link].

Just because lots of Tamil men like rotund stars doesn’t mean that Tamil women must, too! Can desi Hollywood fans please get someone to pass a Minimum Sexiness Standard? We submit exhibits 1A through 1D as the people’s evidence.

Speaking of temples, we recall that someone once built a temple (or two or three – who can keep count of the things Tamil fans will do for their rotund objects of desire) for an actress. When we heard that, we’d felt we’d seen it all. Clearly, the Tams have a heck of a lot to learn from the Surds (besides the correct way to make Dal Makhni and Tandoori Chicken). A fan from Jamshedpur has raised the stakes, all ye Kuhsboo, Rambha fans! While all you’ve ever done is built a temple or risk life and limb pouring down beverages from a great height, Pappu Sardar has altered time for Madhuri.

Pappu Sardar, the owner of a small eatery at Sakchi in Jamshedpur, has launched a calendar with the year beginning from the Madhuri’s date of birth 15th May.

[Sardar] has appealed to the government to declare it a holiday. He explained that his financial year will begin from May 15 and end on May 14 next year.[Link]

The members of SilverScreen wish to express our heartfelt gratitude to Priyadarshan. No – not for providing us with countless opportunities to make lemonade (well, he does keep throwing lemons in our face, and we’re of a an optimistic persuasion) – but for finally throwing something we heartily approve of! We hear he hit that most lovely of Bollywood starlets, yes – the one and only Shahid Kapur – on the jaw, with a cricket ball. We have long wanted to throw a number of things at this actor, and we’re very glad that someone finally did it. Now, if we can only arrange for a, ahem, friendly match with our other favorites (the Chimp, the Man-no-Woman-Will-Work-With, the Psycho, and other bete-noirs)…

A few months ago, Indian newspapers sounded so happy and proud to report that the Princess of Pop was spotted at a Hindu temple in California. Some went so far as to see it part of something bigger:

“an event that in isolation may be trivial enough, but as part of a canvass of occurrences that put the spotlight on Hinduism in the international arena, is representative.” [Link]

Wonder if they now feel heart-broken over what she says:

[Spears] told Newsweek that she’s “been into a lot of Indian spiritual religions,” although she ran into trouble when asked whether Hinduism was one of them. “What’s that?” she asked. “Is it like Kabbalah?” [Link]

Hollywood Actresses Britney

Hollywood Actresses Britney

We firmly believe that Minissha Lamba, the Yahaan girl, as folks insist on telling us, will soon be known for much, much more.

I am surely obsessed with my growing hips. I want them to grow much bigger than they are. And that’s the reason I love doing all those things, which will make my hip bigger and bigger. I feel there is nothing wrong in having bigger hips.[Link]

I am not against the skin show if it is done without any compromise. I love playing characters that runs around tress and frolic in romantic situations… [Link]

Hat Tip: Amit Varma [Link]

Since the days of Raj Kapoor, we’ve been exporting talent and beauty to Bollywood. Take a moment to consider this wall of fame.

Personally, I used to feel a sense of loss – a nagging thought that all these talented actors and actresses were somehow spirited away, seduced by the moolah and the opportunities to sing and dance in Gstaad.

Clearly, I was too hasty in thinking of all this as being an exodus. I know better now. It’s all part of a truly diabolical scheme – something larger, grander than I’d ever dared to imagine. Every dusky beauty we’ve let them have, every hunk with a sweet smile – Trojan horses, every single one of ‘em.

This is what they’re going to get, soon!

To listen to the newest Bollywood star perform in the Rashtrabhasha, click here.

As election results are announced, the film industry in Madras is said to be all aflutter. Having gone all out to campaign for the losing side, they’re apparently nervous about what’s in store for them under the new regime. So this finger phenomenon apparently does not

mean, “Here, I’ll scratch your back and you can scratch mine.” We live and we learn.

In other news, our very own bete noire was urged to look sexier (wow – how come we never thought of this before? If you want someone to look sexy, all you have to is ask!)

After making the Japs swoon, we’re now making the Polish weep. [Link] Aren’t we a fortunate lot to experience the golden years of Indian cinema!

To call yourself a fan of Indian movies is far more demanding than eating the occasional vindaloo and samosa and calling yourself an Indian foodie.

Everyone knows how much store Indians set by their gurus. Digression: let that be lesson no.1. A typical Indian Guru has almost nothing to do with Marisa Tomei or Heather Graham. And ladies, the guru typically looks less like Jimi Mistry, and more like him. End digression. So, pay heed to the voice of experience:

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