Stardonic

When Ram Gopal Varma announced his intention to remake Sholay, sceptics expected nothing more than a poorly executed rehash of the original with bad actors. Not me though – I always knew Ramu was better than that, and Shiva 2006 did nothing to dispel my faith.

Today I have been vindicated.

Ramu has made drastic changes to his Sholay that will take the movie “into another territory.” Wait, now it is “into another orbit.” Here’s a sampler of what’s in store for you guys.

Radha , the widow wears black instead of white.
Basanti rides an auto -rickhaw instead of a tonga.
Samba (Sushant Singh) is Gabbar’s right-hand man and confidante and not a side-kick.[Link]

I told ya, right? Basanti in an auto-rickshaw. Isn’t he something, our Ramu? I just hope he doesn’t go overboard and change the title font or something. Now that might make the movie completely unrecognizable.

PS: I hate to second guess you Ramu saab, but are you sure about the black saree? I mean, will it have the same effect under a waterfall as the original white? Oh wait, that was Ram Teri Ganga Maili. But still, something to think about…

What? Oh just Google for Mandakini, will you? We can’t give them to you everytime.

Devdas. Umrao Jaan. Choker Bali. Have you ever wondered how Aishwarya Rai has an uncanny knack of picking the worst movies ever to star in? Well, now the cat is out of the bag, and the blame lies squarely on the media:

“I’ve often been told that I belong to another era. And my selection of films reflects that old-world reality,” Aishwarya told IANS. [Link]

Whoa, hold it right there girl. All those reviews you read that said you were stone faced – they actually meant you can’t act for nuts, not that you were from the stone age or other such eras.

Although I have to admit – I am pleasantly surprised you can actually read reviews. Comprehension will follow soon enough.

Chetan Hansraj is the little kid from the Nycil ad who wanted his back scratched.

This Nycil ad I did is memorable because I think it has high recall value. Also, not many people know or believe that the kid in the ad is me… [Link]

The kid has now grown into a man that says:

“Of course men are big on bitching, but it’s harmless and more of a time pass. It is very common in our acting and modelling fraternity. But women take it on to a serious level. Personally, I would bitch among friends about other friends or co-actors. [Link]

Ankita is the cute young girl from the “I love you Rasna” ads. Now, Ankita has … just grown.

Aren’t you glad your mom hid you behind her saree when modeling coordinator uncle visited your house?

M.F. Hussain, the scary looking old painter man, is pretty predictable. He watches bad movies – really bad – and then announces that the actress that starred in the movie is his muse.

He’ll then paint the actress (on canvas) and try to sell the paintings to suckers. The money from the proceeds he’ll use to make a movie that is several orders of magnitude worse than the original. Gajagamini. No wonder then that Hussain prefers Sooraj Bharjatya movies.

A new Bharjatya movie – Vivah – that deals with “the journey from engagement to marriage” is out, and Hussain has announced that Amrita Rao has entered his canvas,whatever that means.

With his quick-on-the-draw paint brush, Husain plans to start a series of paintings inspired by Vivah and his brand-new muse Amrita Rao; “She has entered my canvas. I will construct an entire exhibition around her,” he promises. [Link]

I know you want to call him pathetic, but reserve that word, please. Use senile instead and read on.

“And of course, I will invite Amrita to be there, Shahid Latif too.”

Shahid Latif who? Does he mean Shahid Kapur? “Yes, yes… Shahid Kapur, he was good also,” he ends. [Link]

Shahid Latif, Shahid Kapur. Male names. Who cares? Well, Shahid does. He says,

Really? It’s an honour that Mr Husain has appreciated our hard work. He’s undoubtedly, the finest artiste of India. Through your paper, I would like to convey my gratitude to him. He wants to meet us .. just tell us when and where. [Link]

Honor indeed, Mr. Latif. And folks, time to unreserve pathetic now.

Stardonic’s favorite news source carries a startling headline today, followed by a picture of some dude trying to suck all the collagen out of Nayantara’s lips.

Nayantara Hiding Behind Aishwarya Rai… [Link]

Now, call me a moron, but how in the world is that possible? I mean you could put Nayantara’s pinkie behind Aishwarya and half of it would show through. And the half that gets hidden does so only because Aishwarya is so damn dense.

Unless… unless… I wonder if Ileana was in the same room making out with Aishwarya. And then… wow. Damn, now I gotta go. Bye.

Aftab Shivdasani, whoever that is, has a confession to make:

… Anything simple and natural in a woman can put me on. In fact, I find navel rings very romantic. Lots of women are getting it on these days…” [Link]

I am sure there’s nothing more natural than a navel ring right? I mean, aren’t most babies born with them these days? Although with all due respect to you young man, women were always getting it on. Trust me, I know.

Ever wonder why Aftab is not very successful in movies?

“You know I think I have a problem with the way I look. I don’t look as old as I really am. I am 28 but I look like someone in his 20s and that is going against me.” [Link]

Aftab, honey, sorry to break your bubble, but 28 olds are actually in their twenties.  Unbelievable, I know, but true. And no, women are not born with navel rings. But Santa does exist, so not all you believe in is false.

Priyanka Chopra in this interview brazenly claims that she’d rather take dance classes than act in mediocre movies. Yeah, sure.

A former Miss World, Chopra said the movie scripts she had seen recently did not grab her attention. “Better hone my skills than do bad films,” she said. “I don’t want to rush into anything.”

Indian actors usually juggle between four to six movies a year, but Chopra said that’s not her style.

“I’d much rather work on myself. I want to do Latin, contemporary, salsa, jazz, whatever,” she told the Mumbai Mirror. [ Link]

Oh yeah? Liar!

If you really cared about good movies and liked to dance, what would you have done when someone approached you with the script for Krrish? You would’ve laughed heartily, kicked the guy in his shins, snatched the script from his fat hands, thrown the papers down on the floor and danced on them till your sweat flowed onto the ink and erased it. And then spat on the words that were still showing through to obliterate any trace of them. And then force him to watch Black (or Yes Boss) several times over to ensure that he would spend the rest of his life in an asylum without access to pens. And then we’d have believed you.

Oh anyways, here are the pictures. We know why you are here.

Have you heard of this TV show called Bigg Boss? The show, we are told, has had Rakhi Sawant on it, along with Kashmira Shah and a person called Amit and another person called Ravi. An A-list cast, although we can’t figure out why they missed out Meghana Naidu and Nayantara.

This show, which-I-have-never-watched-so-hold-your-sympathy, appears to have some type of voting thing going on, and sometime in the recent past, Rakhi Sawant was voted off it due to an altercation with Amit over something both of them had absolutely no right over.

There was only one fight with Amit. He started it and I ended it. I had a favourite cup, which had the words ‘the world’s sexiest woman’ inscribed on it. In the morning, I realised somebody had used my cup. I got angry, so I broke it.

I told Kashmira (Shah), and she told me to fight for my rights. I asked Amit why he used my cup. [Link]

Excuse my ignorance, but why is Rakhi not in jail yet for stealing that cup from Mamta Mohandas? I mean, why was she even allowed in the general vicinity of the cup? And why is Kashmira free to roam the streets when she is such an obvious accomplice to a heinous crime?

And Amit, although I admit you probably have a (marginally) better claim than Rakhi to that cup, you had no business drinking from it. None at all. Bad girl.

From Vijayendra Varma(2004).

PS: A friendly reader mails us to tell us what the guy actually says in the video – catch your breath for a minute and read this:

Scream, man, scream.

Your screams should give violence a heart attack. It should then run away peeing, as fast as some with a heart attack can run.

Militants should lose their pants(?) ( Arana Kayiru or Mola Thaadu) upon seeing your dead body.

Death to you by all means. Salute.

First, we introduce the players:

Bharathiraja – the “Himalayan Director”:

Best work to date: Movie starring a girl falling in love with an older man.

Claim To Fame: Made a movie suspiciously like Lagaan long before Lagaan came out.

Real Claim To Fame: Both movies had lead protagonists that wore no blouses under their sarees.

Vairamuthu – the “Lyrical Emperor.” The guy that wrote:

Your spittle, it is holy – I’ll

drink your sweat, by golly.

The treat you just chewed – is as precious

as the pimples your skin just spewed.

Is it any wonder then that these guys are were best friends?

Next, we discuss the scheme: (Do read on dirty minds, there are photos at the end.)

Continue reading ‘Angry men give money away’

Ashutosh Gowriker wants you all to know that he is a strong, strong man. Strongly denying rumors that he had fainted on the sets of his movie Jodha Akbar, Ashutosh said:

“First of all it wasn’t me. I’m hale and hearty. And a very strong guy. It will take more than the hot climate to shrivel me down…” [Link]

Now we certainly knew he was a strong guy when he managed to survive the fall from the heights of Lagaan to the depths of Swades, but it always helps to have people clarify things.

S*ardonic even managed to get the opinion of Southern Star Abbas on this. Here is the video:

PS: Alright, the interview is fake. As fake as the “Southern Star” title is.

What is the world coming to?

Riya Sen,  in conversation with the Hindustan Times, declares:

“You know I take lot of interest in sexy men. If I find someone really worth seducing, I don’t leave the opportunity. But it happens the other way too. Loads of young guys die for me. There has been unlimited number of proposals to me till now. ” [Link]

No, wait. Traumatizing as that may sound, that’s not why we are disappointed. Read on, as she adds:

“There are times when this popularity has become so much of a problem for me. I have to handle the situation carefully at such times. There have been several occasions when I have to tackle people who unnecessary get close to me or look into my clothes,”… [Link]

From this statement, it appears to us that Riya Sen actually wears clothes sometimes. But try as we did, we just couldn’t find any evidence of it on the internets. Unless you count towels and underwear… which brings us to the world… Wow, people lie, don’t they?

Silverscreen now has a new home. Please update your bookmarks.

Velu Prabhakaran is the type of filmmaker that makes sure all his movies carry Profound Messages.

A few years ago Velu made a movie called God ( “Kadavul” ). Nothing extraordinary there, except that the movie was meant to promote atheism. We don’t have exact numbers, but the movie managed to convert several deeply religious people into hardcore atheists, with the most frequently heard refrain being, “If there was a God, there’s no way he’d have let that movie hit the theaters.”

Thus encouraged by the success of God, Velu started working on his next movie which he chose to call Love Arena ( “Kadhal Arangam”) for reasons best known to him. The movie is ready for release now and as always it carries a message. Here’s Velu, in his own words:

My message is for the next generation. Here’s what I want my movie to tell them. Men have boobs just like women do. But women have some extra stuff going on in that area, so their boobs appear fleshier. That’s it. So I want the next generation to ignore boobs. [Link, subscription required]

Wow, I bet none of you knew that. Poor Velu is having trouble selling his movie to the censors – who never seem to understand such messages anyway – but I am totally sold.

The minute this movie hits the theaters, I am going. I’ll then look at the heroine’s breasts on screen and ignore them completely. You guys should do the same thing too. We owe it to the man.

Pictures courtesy vikatan.com

V.C. Guganathan has been in the movie business for a long time, and now he is worried about his legacy. Since the easiest way to achieve lasting fame is by making your dream movie, Guganathan will soon direct a movie called Ithu MGR Illam (“This is the house of MGR”). And like we stated earlier, this movie will be Guganathan’s Dream Project.

(If you are one of those non-Tamil readers that reads this blog, the late MGR was an actor-turned-politician who ruled Tamil Nadu for a long time. And, dude, can you email Manoj and let him know where he can find hot pictures of hindi movie actresses?)

Here’s what Guganathan has to say about his movie:

One day MGR appeared in my dream, woke me up, and asked me if I had forgotten him.

The next day, I went to the MGR memorial and started meditating, when I had another dream. This time, I dreamt of Rajkiran sitting on the MGR memorial.

Naturally, I realized that the best lead man for my upcoming movie would be Rajkiran. And so I headed to Rajkiran’s house after a couple of days.

Rajkiran welcomed me in, and told me he knew I would come.

“How?,” I asked.

“Why, MGR appeared in my dream and told me you’d come,” he said.

Hmm. We have no doubts at all that the movie will establish Guganathan’s legacy as one of the top directors in the world. In his dreams, of course. And maybe even Rajkiran’s.

[Link to original story, in Tamil]

Vallavan, starring SilverScreen mascots Nayanthara and Simbu has been in production for… like forever. And everyday, we hear things about the movie that make us lick our lips in anticipation…

Nayan has reportedly performed a scintillating dance number for which she was suspended in midair with the help of steel ropes. [Link]

Go back and read that again: Nayan.Suspended.MidAir.From.A.Mere.Chain. Now just where was this steel maker when the New Orleans levees were being constructed? I am placing an order for hurricane shutters from them right away. Florence, let’s see you break that defense!

It is not like when Nayan was hanging from the chain, Chimpu was idly gazing upwards – he was actually thinking pretty hard. Not many of you know this, but Indian movies don’t get Oscars mainly because the actors are shown smoking cheap cigarattes. Like at the Oscar’s last time, the camera zeroed in on Mammotty smoking a beedi, and the jury was like, “Hey, that’s cheap stuff. No Oscar for you.”

Clever man that he is, Simbu decided to redress the problem in Vallavan.

We also heard that Simbu would be seen smoking imported cigars in the movie, especially in the dance numbers. He has unleashed his own self in the larger than life sequences and is expecting the movie to do well. [Link]

When Vallavan gets that Oscar, you know where you heard it first.

Know Nila? No?  Ok, here get to know her before we proceed.

When model Meera Chopra moved to Tamil films, she was rechristened Nila (The Moon) by director Surya (The Sun). Now at a recent film shoot, The Moon was supposed to run behind someone called Poochi (The Insect). And that’s what led her to experience the “scariest day in any human being’s life.”

The camera started running and as soon as the director uttered ‘Action’, Nila started chasing poochi. Out of the blue, a street dog appeared from nowhere and ran in chase of Nila – as is the characteristic of dogs. [Link]

Hmm… chasing hot women is a characteristic of dogs? Now why was the neighbor’s dog  after me all the frickin’ time? 

Nila obviously got frightened and ran faster crying her lungs out. The crew and the assistant director came to her rescue driving the dog out from the scene and rescuing the terrified Nila. She seemed to be in shock for half an hour and the shoots resumed after this hullabaloo.[Link]

In short, A Dog chasing The Moon that in turn was chasing The Insect. No wonder this is newsworthy.

When our reporter sought SJ Surya’s (remember him? The Sun) opinion on Nila being chased by strange creatures at film shoots, an angry Surya responded that he had stopped chasing her a long time back. Whatever, boss.

We were busy.

One of the authors was busy relocating from one end of the world to the other.

A second was moving from one end of the continent to the other.

Yet another from this end of his new couch to that.

But now we are all back. And soon, the updates will be too. Until then, clean your bathrooms or something.

Rumor has it that SilverScreen photo-op favorite, Ajithkumar was coerced into parting with his advance after he decided to step out of his next project – director Bala’s Naan Kadavul.

Reports in the vernacular press have been suggesting that Ajith was grilled by some henchmen reportedly sent by Bala after the actor refused to be part of Naan Kadavul.

Though Bala and Ajith both said that they have sorted out the differences between them mutually, reports of Ajith being threatened have created ripples in the industry. [Link]

Things are still murky on what really happened with that, but a new report suggests that Ajith will now “show Bala who he is” by “releasing a movie on the same day as Naan Kadavul.” [Link]

While that may not scare Bala, we are quite sure this will.

Please spare us Catman. Please. Please.

And here’s a little something to help y’all overcome the trauma…

Continue reading ‘Seldom Acts, Often Scares’

‘Tis the season for Southern Superstars to play dress up. Close on the heels of Rajinikanth prancing around in a blonde wig in Spain, Malayalam SuperStar Mammootty prances around in a tight football costume to promote his latest movie among football crazy fans. [Through Sify]

Even a Ileana couldn’t have saved this one.

Mammootty standing still for the Portugese National Anthem

At least we could look at Shriya in the Rajinikanth photos…

Video ripped by Manoj, and hosted at youtube. For more such videos, click here.