Stardonic

I still remember it like it was yesterday. One day last month, a mild drizzle had woken up the city. I was out shopping for groceries when I ran into Jessica Alba in a bikini. I closed my eyes and opened them again. In that interval, the girl had morphed into someone that was clearly not Jessica. And in that very same interval, a movie was released in theaters in Tamil Nadu and flopped miserably. It was titled Until There Is A Heart (Nenjirukkum Varai).

Damn, was that the most pathetic first line ever or what. Some moron told me that Jessica Alba would bring me visitors, and I figured I would work her name into my post with a touch of class, but who am I kidding? Eww, I can’t believe people read this blog.

So anyways, what I was trying to say was that this movie - Until There Is A Heart - flopped. And flopped miserably. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Undergarments.

Well, I am not surprised at all, because here is what happened at the premiere:

After watching the preview show, Namita came out with tears in her eyes. Precisely the climax has had its effect on her.

I have never seen a climax like this. I couldn’t control my tears, this movie will be a milestone in Naren’s career, was Namita’s acknowledgement. [Link]

It all sounds good, except that Namitha is the girl that had her cellphone stolen by a crow. And after the robbery, she had tried calling the crow to see if it would pick up her phone. And if she is moved by your movie, you are better off ripping the film roll into bite size pieces and gently wiping her tears off, ’cause whatever you may think of her, she does have a huge heart.

Pictures through thesuperficial.com and thatstamil.com

When I get a haircut, people point and laugh. And when I grow my hair long, people point and laugh longer. My point is, I wish I was Lisa Ray. Did that sound weird? I meant to say, I wish I could pull off a Lisa Ray.

I watched ‘Water‘ a few months back, but not until I read reviews did I realize she had played a Hindu widow in that. Damn, and to think I made a remark during the movie that more girls should go for her “look”. And do I even need to describe how she looks like with long hair? What do you think made Nusrat go all ape-shit with alaaps in Afreeen?

And now, we hear she is playing a lesbian in a Shamim Sarif movie.

The author of award-winning ‘The World Unseen’ is all set to direct a film Can’t Think Straight’, which will star none other than Water nymph Lisa Ray as a le(s)bian. Link

We have no idea who Shamim Sarif is, but god bless her soul. We wish she would write to us so we could suggest a few names to play Lisa’s co-star. Actually, just one name. And then when I say, I wish I was Lisa Ray, it wouldn’t sound so weird.

A few months ago, Indian newspapers sounded so happy and proud to report that the Princess of Pop was spotted at a Hindu temple in California. Some went so far as to see it part of something bigger:

“an event that in isolation may be trivial enough, but as part of a canvass of occurrences that put the spotlight on Hinduism in the international arena, is representative.” [Link]

Wonder if they now feel heart-broken over what she says:

[Spears] told Newsweek that she’s “been into a lot of Indian spiritual religions,” although she ran into trouble when asked whether Hinduism was one of them. “What’s that?” she asked. “Is it like Kabbalah?” [Link]

Hollywood Actresses Britney

Hollywood Actresses Britney

This is the most exciting thing we’ve read in a long time. Namitha, the plump, cushy, slightly rotund… ok, ok, ok. Let me start over again.

This is the most exciting thing we’ve read in a long time. Namitha, the fat girl who acts in Tamil cinema is now going to make a grand entry into Hollywood. All hundred kilograms of her.

A smart career move that we welcome wholeheartedly and will be covering nonstop on this blog.

The movie has been titled Maya and would be produced by Global One Studios and would be directed by Eric (Manning) with Ashok Kumar cranking the camera [Link]

Some jealous people have tried to play down this achievement of Namitha, claiming that the director has only directed a Hollywood short film before. Who cares? Just look at the pedigree of the rest of the crew.

Ashok Kumar, the cinematographer of the movie also directs movies. His filmography includes such classics like Kaama, Kaamagni and Khajuraho.

Continue reading ‘You Go Girl!’

After making the Japs swoon, we’re now making the Polish weep. [Link] Aren’t we a fortunate lot to experience the golden years of Indian cinema!

To call yourself a fan of Indian movies is far more demanding than eating the occasional vindaloo and samosa and calling yourself an Indian foodie.

Everyone knows how much store Indians set by their gurus. Digression: let that be lesson no.1. A typical Indian Guru has almost nothing to do with Marisa Tomei or Heather Graham. And ladies, the guru typically looks less like Jimi Mistry, and more like him. End digression. So, pay heed to the voice of experience:

Continue reading ‘So, you want to watch Indian movies, eh?’

Jennifer Lopez was supposed to be in Mumbai on April 23 to promote her er… music album ‘Rebirth’ besides her other works including charity. And I thought - That’s a double whammy. She’ll raise money and levels of musical mediocrity in Bollywood.

Hollywood’s ambassador to Bollywood and founder of www.hollywood.tv, Sheernaz Hasan, who spoke to Lopez’s management, has confirmed her date with Mumbai. “Yes it’s for sure she is definitely performing in Mumbai this time. Like I had always said Hollywood is looking up to India and Bollywood in a very big way, it’s my mission to promote Bollywood in Hollywood, and this is just the beginning,” Hasan said. Link

Turns out Ms. Hasan was a delusional ass. Not as big as you know what, but still.

Continue reading ‘J-Lo in Mumbai’