I still remember it like it was yesterday. One day last month, a mild drizzle had woken up the city. I was out shopping for groceries when I ran into Jessica Alba in a bikini. I closed my eyes and opened them again. In that interval, the girl had morphed into someone that was clearly not Jessica. And in that very same interval, a movie was released in theaters in Tamil Nadu and flopped miserably. It was titled Until There Is A Heart (Nenjirukkum Varai).

Damn, was that the most pathetic first line ever or what. Some moron told me that Jessica Alba would bring me visitors, and I figured I would work her name into my post with a touch of class, but who am I kidding? Eww, I can’t believe people read this blog.

So anyways, what I was trying to say was that this movie – Until There Is A Heart – flopped. And flopped miserably. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Undergarments.

Well, I am not surprised at all, because here is what happened at the premiere:

After watching the preview show, Namita came out with tears in her eyes. Precisely the climax has had its effect on her.

I have never seen a climax like this. I couldn’t control my tears, this movie will be a milestone in Naren’s career, was Namita’s acknowledgement. [Link]

It all sounds good, except that Namitha is the girl that had her cellphone stolen by a crow. And after the robbery, she had tried calling the crow to see if it would pick up her phone. And if she is moved by your movie, you are better off ripping the film roll into bite size pieces and gently wiping her tears off, ’cause whatever you may think of her, she does have a huge heart.

Pictures through thesuperficial.com and thatstamil.com

When I get a haircut, people point and laugh. And when I grow my hair long, people point and laugh longer. My point is, I wish I was Lisa Ray. Did that sound weird? I meant to say, I wish I could pull off a Lisa Ray.

I watched ‘Water‘ a few months back, but not until I read reviews did I realize she had played a Hindu widow in that. Damn, and to think I made a remark during the movie that more girls should go for her “look”. And do I even need to describe how she looks like with long hair? What do you think made Nusrat go all ape-shit with alaaps in Afreeen?

And now, we hear she is playing a lesbian in a Shamim Sarif movie.

The author of award-winning ‘The World Unseen’ is all set to direct a film Can’t Think Straight’, which will star none other than Water nymph Lisa Ray as a le(s)bian. Link

We have no idea who Shamim Sarif is, but god bless her soul. We wish she would write to us so we could suggest a few names to play Lisa’s co-star. Actually, just one name. And then when I say, I wish I was Lisa Ray, it wouldn’t sound so weird.

“an event that in isolation may be trivial enough, but as part of a canvass of occurrences that put the spotlight on Hinduism in the international arena, is representative.” [Link]

Wonder if they now feel heart-broken over what she says:

[Spears] told Newsweek that she’s “been into a lot of Indian spiritual religions,” although she ran into trouble when asked whether Hinduism was one of them. “What’s that?” she asked. “Is it like Kabbalah?” [Link]

Hollywood Actresses Britney

Hollywood Actresses Britney

This is the most exciting thing we’ve read in a long time. Namitha, the fat girl who acts in Tamil cinema is now going to make a grand entry into Hollywood. All hundred kilograms of her.

A smart career move that we welcome wholeheartedly and will be covering nonstop on this blog.

The movie has been titled Maya and would be produced by Global One Studios and would be directed by Eric (Manning) with Ashok Kumar cranking the camera [Link]

Some jealous people have tried to play down this achievement of Namitha, claiming that the director has only directed a Hollywood short film before. Who cares? Just look at the pedigree of the rest of the crew.

Ashok Kumar, the cinematographer of the movie also directs movies. His filmography includes such classics like Kaama, Kaamagni and Khajuraho.

Gregory Cascante, the producer of the film has previously produced a movie called Perfumed Garden – Tales of Kamasutra. We also ‘umbly request you to look at this picture of Namitha from the movie.

Now tell me: Are we wrong when we say that this movie just went to the top of our must see list? (Although we’d advise shallow women who go to movies to check out the costumes on the heroine to give this one a skip).

Actresses Bollywood Cinema Desi India Kollywood Movies Namitha Tamil

Actresses Bollywood Cinema Desi India Kollywood Movies Namitha Tamil

After making the Japs swoon, we’re now making the Polish weep. [Link] Aren’t we a fortunate lot to experience the golden years of Indian cinema!

To call yourself a fan of Indian movies is far more demanding than eating the occasional vindaloo and samosa and calling yourself an Indian foodie.

Everyone knows how much store Indians set by their gurus. Digression: let that be lesson no.1. A typical Indian Guru has almost nothing to do with Marisa Tomei or Heather Graham. And ladies, the guru typically looks less like Jimi Mistry, and more like him. End digression. So, pay heed to the voice of experience:

Rule 1: Learn to distinguish the subtle nuances between different Indian sub-cultures. Definition of hero material is different in the south from what it is in the north. Don’t worry too much about it if you can’t make out one hairy chap from another. With enough practice, you will one day be able to tell your Khans and Kanths apart. I promise.

Rule 2: Aging Hollywood queens go away, well most of the time. Indian ones are more likely to rule a state or two. So if you fall for a svelte Indian lass (browse rest of this site for lots of examples), be prepared to stick around as you watch them go from looking like this to looking like this. And in case you were curious, the men never go away. Ever.

Rule 3: Do not let your new found interest make you give up watching Hollywood movies. If you forget your Hollywood movies, you’ll never be able to play the Indian movie-watcher’s all time favorite game “Now-what-does-that-remind-me-of?” I cannot stress this enough, for if you can’t play this game, you’ll be shunned in the real and virtual world alike.

I could go on for ever, but being a good guru, would like to you a chance to acquire your own tastes. [1]

I don’t know what dissatifaction with your own movies drove you to Indian movies. But we’re happy you chose our movies, and look forward to French, Polish and Japanese blogs dissing Nayanthara. [2]

[1] I’m also under strict instruction from the powers that be that I am to keep it short.

[2] For blog-charter compliance purposes.

PS: I’m the latest addition to SilverScreen. Karthik & Manoj seem to have adopted me at some point, and even if you’re not, boy, am I glad they did!

Jennifer Lopez was supposed to be in Mumbai on April 23 to promote her er… music album ‘Rebirth’ besides her other works including charity. And I thought – That’s a double whammy. She’ll raise money and levels of musical mediocrity in Bollywood.

Hollywood’s ambassador to Bollywood and founder of www.hollywood.tv, Sheernaz Hasan, who spoke to Lopez’s management, has confirmed her date with Mumbai. “Yes it’s for sure she is definitely performing in Mumbai this time. Like I had always said Hollywood is looking up to India and Bollywood in a very big way, it’s my mission to promote Bollywood in Hollywood, and this is just the beginning,” Hasan said. Link

Turns out Ms. Hasan was a delusional ass. Not as big as you know what, but still.

Hopefully J-Lo’s second date with Mumbai goes well. And this time it’s Kingfisher Mallya playing host.

Mallya said, “It is only fitting that an icon like Jennifer Lopez, be part of the anniversary celebrations of Kingfisher Airlines. I am delighted that thousands of her fans will be able to see their legend perform in person”.

So fitting that Mallya has decided on the perfect promotion to pay tribute to J-Lo’s only talent.

One lucky seat on every Kingfisher Airlines flight during the promotion period will be chosen as the Hot Seat and the guest to whom that seat is allocated will be entitled to 1 ticket to the concert. Link