I still remember it like it was yesterday. One day last month, a mild drizzle had woken up the city. I was out shopping for groceries when I ran into Jessica Alba in a bikini. I closed my eyes and opened them again. In that interval, the girl had morphed into someone that was clearly not Jessica. And in that very same interval, a movie was released in theaters in Tamil Nadu and flopped miserably. It was titled Until There Is A Heart (Nenjirukkum Varai).

Damn, was that the most pathetic first line ever or what. Some moron told me that Jessica Alba would bring me visitors, and I figured I would work her name into my post with a touch of class, but who am I kidding? Eww, I can’t believe people read this blog.

So anyways, what I was trying to say was that this movie – Until There Is A Heart – flopped. And flopped miserably. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Undergarments.

Well, I am not surprised at all, because here is what happened at the premiere:

After watching the preview show, Namita came out with tears in her eyes. Precisely the climax has had its effect on her.

I have never seen a climax like this. I couldn’t control my tears, this movie will be a milestone in Naren’s career, was Namita’s acknowledgement. [Link]

It all sounds good, except that Namitha is the girl that had her cellphone stolen by a crow. And after the robbery, she had tried calling the crow to see if it would pick up her phone. And if she is moved by your movie, you are better off ripping the film roll into bite size pieces and gently wiping her tears off, ’cause whatever you may think of her, she does have a huge heart.

Pictures through thesuperficial.com and thatstamil.com

Hi all,

I am married to one of the people that runs this stupid blog.

This morning, he woke up, and discussed several posts with me. The language he used was lyrical and the ideas he put forth were thoughtful. I knew a Pulitzer wasn’t that far off, and I went off to make tea for him.

When I came back, he was slumped in a chair, staring wide eyed at his laptop. He then started talking to me in some sort of alien language.

On the laptop, I found these pictures.

I realized what had happened. I drank the tea myself, and consulted a doctor. Although full recovery is unlikely, he will get back to something approaching normal in a week or so.

He is now relearning English.

I learnt later that he had inadvertently IM’d these pictures to the other people that run this blog, and they are pretty much in the same state.

So give them all a few days, ok? Unless you want to read posts in Alienese.

By the way, I think Ileana sucks. And so does Mamta.

Thanking you. Also thanking idlebrain.com and greatandhra.com for the pictures, which are from movies called Rakhee and Desamuduru.

Actually, I think she is three people. The third people is rather hot.

Chetan Hansraj is the little kid from the Nycil ad who wanted his back scratched.

This Nycil ad I did is memorable because I think it has high recall value. Also, not many people know or believe that the kid in the ad is me… [Link]

The kid has now grown into a man that says:

“Of course men are big on bitching, but it’s harmless and more of a time pass. It is very common in our acting and modelling fraternity. But women take it on to a serious level. Personally, I would bitch among friends about other friends or co-actors. [Link]

Ankita is the cute young girl from the “I love you Rasna” ads. Now, Ankita has … just grown.

Aren’t you glad your mom hid you behind her saree when modeling coordinator uncle visited your house?

Nayantara Hiding Behind Aishwarya Rai… [Link]

Now, call me a moron, but how in the world is that possible? I mean you could put Nayantara’s pinkie behind Aishwarya and half of it would show through. And the half that gets hidden does so only because Aishwarya is so damn dense.

Unless… unless… I wonder if Ileana was in the same room making out with Aishwarya. And then… wow. Damn, now I gotta go. Bye.

From Vijayendra Varma(2004).

PS: A friendly reader mails us to tell us what the guy actually says in the video – catch your breath for a minute and read this:

Scream, man, scream.

Your screams should give violence a heart attack. It should then run away peeing, as fast as some with a heart attack can run.

Militants should lose their pants(?) ( Arana Kayiru or Mola Thaadu) upon seeing your dead body.

Death to you by all means. Salute.

While even we had given up on the idea, director Krishna Vamsi thought of something original (maybe a first for a desi director). He made Mamta sing playback for Ileana. Genius, Vamsi-garu. Now we know how you landed Ramya.

Krishna Vamsi is directing a film featuring NTR Jr and Ileana. The music is by Devisriprasad. He has given Mamta a song to sing and it will be picturised on Ileana. {Link}

So, can Mamta sing? Yes. She had extensive classical training under the tutelage of the great Chalakudi Bhagavathar and…actually No, we don’t know, and frankly, we don’t care. We just needed an excuse to post their photos…

Ileana is truly a director’s actress. This highly professional young artist was happy to do as many takes as it took (if you’ll pardon the pun) to get a suicide scene right. She was asked to swallow lots of pills. She did so. She was asked to swallow lots of pills again. She complied. And so on and so forth till perfection was achieved.

The only hitch – the director forgot to instruct the lady that it was all a pretense – she wasn’t actually supposed to swallow those pills! Ileana had to have her stomach washed* to get rid of all those nasty vitamins. (Silverscreen convyes its gratitude to the props team who either remembered that this was just a movie, or had had the uncanny foresight to use vitamin pills instead of whatever pills get used in real suicides.)

[Link]

*A reminder to our male readers: this stomach washing in no way involves any of the following: waterfalls, bikinis, soap suds, steaming showers with transparent shower curtains.

Video ripped by Manoj, and hosted at youtube. For more such videos, click here.

Poetry.com is,
this online,
portal,
Where wannabe poets,
make you,
chortle,
With, Word-
Puke.

See, quite easy. In fact, so easy that Kamalinee Mukherjee gave it a shot. Kama-whama-who-ji, you ask? That would be Kamal-Hassan’s latest kissing partner in the upcoming Vettiayaadu Velaiyaadu, and the heroine of sleeper hit Telugu movie, Anand.

Tell us about your poems?

I wrote three poems (Thoughts, Confusion and Solitude) for a website called poetry.com before signing Anand film. [Link]

Go ahead, call us insensitive jerks. Tell us how refreshing it is to discover there are actresses who can actually write “quagmire of despondency”. Point taken, but why poetry? Why not just a 500-word essay about the “quagmire of despondency” the film industry has plunged into? Or Sun Music compering? Or Poetry.com?

But why? Yendhukku?

lying in fields of yellow poppies….
intoxicated by the realisation of you…
its in the very core of me…..
a primivial longing in my heartbeats….
but like the mirage in burning deserts….

All of her “poetry”

1. Thoughts
2. Feelings
3. Confusion

PS: We are not sure if this Zinta is the Zinta, but if someone could comfirm, we’ll feel better knowing we didn’t laugh at an impostor.

Here’s a Kamalinee picture – the reason you clicked on this post.

Trisha, Rakshita

The choice of Rakshita makes it clear that the Kannada director wants to umm.. expand on the original and create a Horror of Horrors with wide appeal. Lending much credence to this theory is the person playing the male lead.

What is scarier: Anirudh or the Sickle?

We never thought we’d say this, but we’ll take Siddharth over this any day. Hmm… on second thought, we’ll revise that to say we’ll take Siddharth over this on most days.

Related post: Artistic Settings Are Very Horny On The Sets Of Sivaji

We profusely thank youtube user satssomu for hosting this classic. Really really profusely.
Also check out another gem from the ever dependable ‘Gaapten‘.