Priya Mani Is Actually Two People

I am sure there is some type of profound message in here, but I can’t decipher it for the life of me. I usually just say damn in such situations. Damn.

Actually, I think she is three people. The third people is rather hot.

Prakash Raj Shocked

And I don’t blame him at all.

If I got into work one morning to be greeted by a gun-toting, bearded Yeti on a stationary motorcycle, I would be shocked too. I’ll then fetch Mr. Yeti a comb, but that’s besides the point.

Well, a closer read seems to reveal that Prakash Raj was actually shocked with real electricity on the sets of his new movie, Lee.

Actor Prakash Raj had a close shave while shooting for Lee in Chennai on Wednesday.

A stunt sequence was shot, during which the actor sustained electric shock. He immediately raised alarm.

Sensing trouble, director Prabhu Solomon immediately switched off the generator. Prakash Raj was rushed to a hospital nearby. [Link]

Prakash Raj will never be my hero. Letting mere electricity thwart you… shame on you, old man. Here, take this.

(Video through youtube user aravind82)

Ramu Rewrites Sholay… Not

When Ram Gopal Varma announced his intention to remake Sholay, sceptics expected nothing more than a poorly executed rehash of the original with bad actors. Not me though – I always knew Ramu was better than that, and Shiva 2006 did nothing to dispel my faith.

Today I have been vindicated.

Ramu has made drastic changes to his Sholay that will take the movie “into another territory.” Wait, now it is “into another orbit.” Here’s a sampler of what’s in store for you guys.

Radha , the widow wears black instead of white.
Basanti rides an auto -rickhaw instead of a tonga.
Samba (Sushant Singh) is Gabbar’s right-hand man and confidante and not a side-kick.[Link]

I told ya, right? Basanti in an auto-rickshaw. Isn’t he something, our Ramu? I just hope he doesn’t go overboard and change the title font or something. Now that might make the movie completely unrecognizable.

PS: I hate to second guess you Ramu saab, but are you sure about the black saree? I mean, will it have the same effect under a waterfall as the original white? Oh wait, that was Ram Teri Ganga Maili. But still, something to think about…

What? Oh just Google for Mandakini, will you? We can’t give them to you everytime.

Aishwarya Rai Is Dated

Devdas. Umrao Jaan. Choker Bali. Have you ever wondered how Aishwarya Rai has an uncanny knack of picking the worst movies ever to star in? Well, now the cat is out of the bag, and the blame lies squarely on the media:

“I’ve often been told that I belong to another era. And my selection of films reflects that old-world reality,” Aishwarya told IANS. [Link]

Whoa, hold it right there girl. All those reviews you read that said you were stone faced – they actually meant you can’t act for nuts, not that you were from the stone age or other such eras.

Although I have to admit – I am pleasantly surprised you can actually read reviews. Comprehension will follow soon enough.

Little Things To Thank Parents For: #173

Chetan Hansraj is the little kid from the Nycil ad who wanted his back scratched.

This Nycil ad I did is memorable because I think it has high recall value. Also, not many people know or believe that the kid in the ad is me… [Link]

The kid has now grown into a man that says:

“Of course men are big on bitching, but it’s harmless and more of a time pass. It is very common in our acting and modelling fraternity. But women take it on to a serious level. Personally, I would bitch among friends about other friends or co-actors. [Link]

Ankita is the cute young girl from the “I love you Rasna” ads. Now, Ankita has … just grown.

Aren’t you glad your mom hid you behind her saree when modeling coordinator uncle visited your house?

Perizaad Zorabian is Mrs.Boman Irani

But like all publications are quick to point out, she got married to Boman Irani – the real estate developer, not the middle-aged character actor who most recently played a middle-aged cop in Don. Strangely enough, Boman Senior has an equally funky-named wife.

‘No, not the actor but the real-estate developer… You know when my Boman met the actor Boman’s wife, Zenobia, he told her maybe they should whip up something together. (Link)

Well played, Boman Junior. Reminds me of the time I tried to get Manoj interested in Aishwarya Rai, and a potential whipping session thereafter. But the snob insisted on wrapping up ‘The Sixth Sense’ first. Damn you Shyamalan!

So here’s hoping the wedding was fun. And by fun, we mean, hope everyone who attended made an increasingly bad version of a ‘Oh, it’s not you, Boman?’ joke to an increasingly frustrated Boman Sr. while winking at Xenophobia. Sorry, I mean Periculous Zoroastrian. Oh, whatever!

M.F. Hussain Probably Lives In A Tent

M.F. Hussain, the scary looking old painter man, is pretty predictable. He watches bad movies – really bad – and then announces that the actress that starred in the movie is his muse.

He’ll then paint the actress (on canvas) and try to sell the paintings to suckers. The money from the proceeds he’ll use to make a movie that is several orders of magnitude worse than the original. Gajagamini. No wonder then that Hussain prefers Sooraj Bharjatya movies.

A new Bharjatya movie – Vivah – that deals with “the journey from engagement to marriage” is out, and Hussain has announced that Amrita Rao has entered his canvas,whatever that means.

With his quick-on-the-draw paint brush, Husain plans to start a series of paintings inspired by Vivah and his brand-new muse Amrita Rao; “She has entered my canvas. I will construct an entire exhibition around her,” he promises. [Link]

I know you want to call him pathetic, but reserve that word, please. Use senile instead and read on.

“And of course, I will invite Amrita to be there, Shahid Latif too.”

Shahid Latif who? Does he mean Shahid Kapur? “Yes, yes… Shahid Kapur, he was good also,” he ends. [Link]

Shahid Latif, Shahid Kapur. Male names. Who cares? Well, Shahid does. He says,

Really? It’s an honour that Mr Husain has appreciated our hard work. He’s undoubtedly, the finest artiste of India. Through your paper, I would like to convey my gratitude to him. He wants to meet us .. just tell us when and where. [Link]

Honor indeed, Mr. Latif. And folks, time to unreserve pathetic now.

Realityness

Reality shows are so, what’s the word – real. In fact, they are so much more real than actual life, we feel we need a new word for reality as depicted in a reality show. S*ardonic favors realityness*.

If you thought you knew life, read on to know better:

On camera massages can go too far!

Carol Gracias and Rupali Ganguly were constantly massaging Ravi Kishan’s legs and head. Even I massaged Anupama because she has a back problem. But I restricted the massage to the knees because I was well aware that the television cameras were constantly watching us. [Link]

Men can be so b*&$^#y

When I was brushing my hair Ravi came up to me and said… how grateful he was that I motivated him into losing five kgs…and then he voted me out! [Link]

Men can be so b*&$^#y Contd.

The guys all pretended to be friends with me. But…they all voted me out of the house. Can you imagine! [Link]

To tell time, you need a watch (or a clock)

In that house, there is no television, no music, no sense of time. Every day was like a year. [Link]

Self-actualization via realityness

I was a tomboy before Bigg Boss. Now, I am a woman. [Link]

My weeks inside that house have changed my attitude to life. Now I value what I have, I appreciate my friends and family. [Link]

*Truthiness was taken

Aishwarya Provides Cover

Stardonic’s favorite news source carries a startling headline today, followed by a picture of some dude trying to suck all the collagen out of Nayantara’s lips.

Nayantara Hiding Behind Aishwarya Rai… [Link]

Now, call me a moron, but how in the world is that possible? I mean you could put Nayantara’s pinkie behind Aishwarya and half of it would show through. And the half that gets hidden does so only because Aishwarya is so damn dense.

Unless… unless… I wonder if Ileana was in the same room making out with Aishwarya. And then… wow. Damn, now I gotta go. Bye.

Sunny Deol might be an idiot…

…says Sunny Deol.

I’m not good at interviews. I’m uncomfortable in print also. When you sit down to express yourself you end up saying things that you may not mean the way it sounds. But it’s too late. You end up sounding like an idiot. {Link}

Good ol’ self-deprecating Sunny. Surely you can’t be that bad. Wait, what’s that about art cinema?

I get really irritated by distinctions like art and commercial cinema. What’s art cinema? Cinema that only a handful like? But if I like commercial films, they are art for me. These coinages are corny. {Link}

Hmmm, go on…

My creative thoughts are simmering. I often find it difficult to listen to other people’s ideas. That’s why I need to exercise creative control over my films. I’ve collected so much knowledge on cinema over the years. From now on I’ll be involved in every creative aspect of a film. {Link}

Alright, that’s enough. You were right, we were wrong. God! we were wrong. But you got one thing going for you, Sunny baba. You are NOT a liar. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Aftab Shivdasani Can’t Really Count

Aftab Shivdasani, whoever that is, has a confession to make:

… Anything simple and natural in a woman can put me on. In fact, I find navel rings very romantic. Lots of women are getting it on these days…” [Link]

I am sure there’s nothing more natural than a navel ring right? I mean, aren’t most babies born with them these days? Although with all due respect to you young man, women were always getting it on. Trust me, I know.

Ever wonder why Aftab is not very successful in movies?

“You know I think I have a problem with the way I look. I don’t look as old as I really am. I am 28 but I look like someone in his 20s and that is going against me.” [Link]

Aftab, honey, sorry to break your bubble, but 28 olds are actually in their twenties.  Unbelievable, I know, but true. And no, women are not born with navel rings. But Santa does exist, so not all you believe in is false.

Swarnamalya releases some DVD

Swarnamalya, former host of Sun TV’s Ilamai Pudhumai (translates to ‘Chennai’s Lamest Teenagers’) was in town releasing some DVD.

Swarnmalya, who has acted in many films including the forthcoming Mozhi, recently launched a DVD of her dances. {Link}

Like always, actor Prashant added a megaton of star-power to the event by holding the DVD gingerly between his hands and posing for, what we are guessing was, the only photographer there (nice job, Swarnamalya’s Mom).

We’d also like to guess again and say Prashant surely thought he was releasing a DVD of a different kind – a high-definition version of the scandalous MMS clip allegedly featuring Swarnamalya. We can only imagine his frustration as he kept skipping chapters and seeking out Easter Eggs on the DVD. After which he probably checked his answering machine and heard producer AM Ratnam returning his call to shoot down an idea for a Moondru Mugam remake. Sad & depressed, he probably walked over to the gun drawer, caught a glimpse of Swarnamalya dancing on the TV screen and realized his life was not that bad after all.

So yeah, basically, the DVD is a must-buy. Oh wait, that was the Padma Subramaniam DVD.

Priyanka Chopra’s Pants Should Be On Fire

Priyanka Chopra in this interview brazenly claims that she’d rather take dance classes than act in mediocre movies. Yeah, sure.

A former Miss World, Chopra said the movie scripts she had seen recently did not grab her attention. “Better hone my skills than do bad films,” she said. “I don’t want to rush into anything.”

Indian actors usually juggle between four to six movies a year, but Chopra said that’s not her style.

“I’d much rather work on myself. I want to do Latin, contemporary, salsa, jazz, whatever,” she told the Mumbai Mirror. [ Link]

Oh yeah? Liar!

If you really cared about good movies and liked to dance, what would you have done when someone approached you with the script for Krrish? You would’ve laughed heartily, kicked the guy in his shins, snatched the script from his fat hands, thrown the papers down on the floor and danced on them till your sweat flowed onto the ink and erased it. And then spat on the words that were still showing through to obliterate any trace of them. And then force him to watch Black (or Yes Boss) several times over to ensure that he would spend the rest of his life in an asylum without access to pens. And then we’d have believed you.

Oh anyways, here are the pictures. We know why you are here.

Rakhi Sawant Steals Cups From Mamta Mohandas

Have you heard of this TV show called Bigg Boss? The show, we are told, has had Rakhi Sawant on it, along with Kashmira Shah and a person called Amit and another person called Ravi. An A-list cast, although we can’t figure out why they missed out Meghana Naidu and Nayantara.

This show, which-I-have-never-watched-so-hold-your-sympathy, appears to have some type of voting thing going on, and sometime in the recent past, Rakhi Sawant was voted off it due to an altercation with Amit over something both of them had absolutely no right over.

There was only one fight with Amit. He started it and I ended it. I had a favourite cup, which had the words ‘the world’s sexiest woman’ inscribed on it. In the morning, I realised somebody had used my cup. I got angry, so I broke it.

I told Kashmira (Shah), and she told me to fight for my rights. I asked Amit why he used my cup. [Link]

Excuse my ignorance, but why is Rakhi not in jail yet for stealing that cup from Mamta Mohandas? I mean, why was she even allowed in the general vicinity of the cup? And why is Kashmira free to roam the streets when she is such an obvious accomplice to a heinous crime?

And Amit, although I admit you probably have a (marginally) better claim than Rakhi to that cup, you had no business drinking from it. None at all. Bad girl.

Mile High Patriotism

From Vijayendra Varma(2004).

PS: A friendly reader mails us to tell us what the guy actually says in the video – catch your breath for a minute and read this:

Scream, man, scream.

Your screams should give violence a heart attack. It should then run away peeing, as fast as some with a heart attack can run.

Militants should lose their pants(?) ( Arana Kayiru or Mola Thaadu) upon seeing your dead body.

Death to you by all means. Salute.

Angry men give money away

First, we introduce the players:

Bharathiraja – the “Himalayan Director”:

Best work to date: Movie starring a girl falling in love with an older man.

Claim To Fame: Made a movie suspiciously like Lagaan long before Lagaan came out.

Real Claim To Fame: Both movies had lead protagonists that wore no blouses under their sarees.

Vairamuthu – the “Lyrical Emperor.” The guy that wrote:

Your spittle, it is holy – I’ll

drink your sweat, by golly.

The treat you just chewed – is as precious

as the pimples your skin just spewed.

Is it any wonder then that these guys are were best friends?

Next, we discuss the scheme: (Do read on dirty minds, there are photos at the end.)

Read More »

Strong Men Don’t Faint

Ashutosh Gowriker wants you all to know that he is a strong, strong man. Strongly denying rumors that he had fainted on the sets of his movie Jodha Akbar, Ashutosh said:

“First of all it wasn’t me. I’m hale and hearty. And a very strong guy. It will take more than the hot climate to shrivel me down…” [Link]

Now we certainly knew he was a strong guy when he managed to survive the fall from the heights of Lagaan to the depths of Swades, but it always helps to have people clarify things.

S*ardonic even managed to get the opinion of Southern Star Abbas on this. Here is the video:

PS: Alright, the interview is fake. As fake as the “Southern Star” title is.

Riya Sen Wears Clothes

What is the world coming to?

Riya Sen,  in conversation with the Hindustan Times, declares:

“You know I take lot of interest in sexy men. If I find someone really worth seducing, I don’t leave the opportunity. But it happens the other way too. Loads of young guys die for me. There has been unlimited number of proposals to me till now. ” [Link]

No, wait. Traumatizing as that may sound, that’s not why we are disappointed. Read on, as she adds:

“There are times when this popularity has become so much of a problem for me. I have to handle the situation carefully at such times. There have been several occasions when I have to tackle people who unnecessary get close to me or look into my clothes,”… [Link]

From this statement, it appears to us that Riya Sen actually wears clothes sometimes. But try as we did, we just couldn’t find any evidence of it on the internets. Unless you count towels and underwear… which brings us to the world… Wow, people lie, don’t they?

Nautch girl turns to organized crime

No one can accuse Ajith Kumar of playing the same roles over and over again. Take this example – only a movie ago, he played a beautiful nautch girl, and in his next movie, he’s all set to play Billa! [Link]

Yes, you heard right, Rajini fans. Ajith is the new Billa. We hear Ajith even got the go ahead from the original Billa, with a small caveat. “I’d go easy on the mascara, if I were you,” were the Superstar’s wise words.

To make a Rajini movie as a remake takes guts and strength of character. And Ajith has shown that he has it in him. [Link]

Hmm.. guts. Now if they had said that last year, we’d have agreed with them wholeheartedly, but right now, we think Namitha would make for a gutsier Billa.

Message In A Blouse

Silverscreen now has a new home. Please update your bookmarks.

Velu Prabhakaran is the type of filmmaker that makes sure all his movies carry Profound Messages.

A few years ago Velu made a movie called God ( “Kadavul” ). Nothing extraordinary there, except that the movie was meant to promote atheism. We don’t have exact numbers, but the movie managed to convert several deeply religious people into hardcore atheists, with the most frequently heard refrain being, “If there was a God, there’s no way he’d have let that movie hit the theaters.”

Thus encouraged by the success of God, Velu started working on his next movie which he chose to call Love Arena ( “Kadhal Arangam”) for reasons best known to him. The movie is ready for release now and as always it carries a message. Here’s Velu, in his own words:

My message is for the next generation. Here’s what I want my movie to tell them. Men have boobs just like women do. But women have some extra stuff going on in that area, so their boobs appear fleshier. That’s it. So I want the next generation to ignore boobs. [Link, subscription required]

Wow, I bet none of you knew that. Poor Velu is having trouble selling his movie to the censors – who never seem to understand such messages anyway – but I am totally sold.

The minute this movie hits the theaters, I am going. I’ll then look at the heroine’s breasts on screen and ignore them completely. You guys should do the same thing too. We owe it to the man.

Original Ignore Them

Pictures courtesy vikatan.com