Koena’s Travails

Poor Koena Mitra. People keep dissing her for going under the knife, but little do they realize that it was her troubled childhood that forced her into it.

… when she was growing up she was totally tomboyish. In fact, for her first day at school, she was dressed up as a boy by her father. Her father loved to dress her up as a boy. Sneakers, T-Shirts and shorts were part of her daily wear as well as short hair.

That was until disaster (in a miniscule sense) struck. One typical day at school, Koena wanted to go to the loo and the school bai took her there. Only thing was that the bai was so convinced that Koena was a boy that she took her to the boy’s toilet. No matter how much Koena cried at the top of her lungs claiming to be a girl, the bai refused to listen. [Link]

Such trauma. Tch. Tch. (And Mr. Reporter – Calling this miniscule betrays an appaling lack of sympathy…) At the very instant, Koena decided that she had to appear more feminine.

Koena was so embarrassed, that she immediately went home and asked her mother to make her look like a girl. So her mother put on clip earrings, plastic bangles and a very pretty dress. [Link]

We presume she was only partly happy with the results, so when she grew up, she went to a doctor and asked him to make her look a bit more – ahem – feminine. Fair enough, right? (Link Link) As a man, I only know too well how traumatic it is to enter a women’s restroom. After the experience, my hands promptly went under the teacher’s cane. Teacher’s Cane. Doctor’s knife. Same difference.

And so, on behalf of all men, I would like to apologize to Koena and let her know that we all understand totally.

Koena Mitra, who only only hangs out with very “feminine” stars these days…

Related posts: Speech is Silver: The Contradicting Oneself Edition, Metamorphosis

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Suresh Gopi wishes he had kissed more

Gopi posing for the birds in his backyard

Suresh Gopi has done so many cop roles that he probably walks around wearing crunchy-shiny boots and saluting surprised DSP’s. Maybe even offers to look over F.I.R reports for the local circle inspector. Maybe.

Or maybe he is not all that deluded and like a normal star, prefers to have affairs with co-stars half his age & weight.

You are said to have an roaring affair with the young actress Mamta Mohandas?

These stories are a figment of imagination of some vested interest who are all out to spoil the reputation of an upcoming actress. I have nothing more to say about this. Link

Mamta ‘the only Mallu girl we like’ Mohandas

Funny. So I guess his reputation is still intact or maybe even improved. And why?

The lip-to-lip kissing scene in Lanka (with the ‘upcoming actress’) was criticized by purists in Kerala. Your comments?

Lanka failed as the story did not reach out to the people in the correct manner. If that was possible, the same audience would have accepted not only this 3 minute kissing scene but a 10 minutes one (smiles). Link

He failed to add that correct manner was Malayalam movie jargon for ‘so high on ganja that audiences think they are making out with Mamta Mohandas’. But since the story was incorrectly mannered, so to speak, the same audience throw up a little every time they see a Suresh Gopi poster. Right after they salute it.

We propose a duel

We hear a woman has soured a close friendship between the two reigning Princes of Sleaze – SJ Suryah and the Chimp. These two were close friends till one of them started going out with our very own bete noire Nayantara. The lady, apparently, does not approve of SJS. [Link]

As difficult as it is for us to agree with her on any matter, we are forced to concede our reluctant admiration. We applaud her valiant attempts to wean her man off at least one of his undesirable habits. We at Silver Screen are no fans of SJS. But we can squeeze an ounce or two of outrage at the shabby treatment he’s receiving from a man he sacrificed working with Vijay for!

Silver Screen proposes a way to untie this Gordian knot. A duel – preferably to the death. Let SJS and Nayantara fight it out for the man they both so desire. And if either of them goes down (and we pray that at least one does), the only decent thing left for the Chimp to do is quit the movie business.

If Tamil movie fans can be spared even one of these individuals, all the blood, sweat and toil that goes into this blog will have been paid off three times over.

Speech is Silver: Choosy Actors Edition

Remember Vijaykumar’s son Arun Kumar? You know, the guy who played second fiddle to Bharath in Azhagai Irukkai Bayamai Irukkiradhu? No? The guy dressed in white who played second fiddle to Shaam in Iyarkkai? Great! Now you don’t remember who Shaam is?!

Anyway, this is what he had to say.

Arun Kumar says, “I am very choosy. If I had accepted all the offers that came my way, I would have been no where. Let’s hope my forthcoming movie brings me more fortunes”.

I know what he means. This is like when I told my friend – If I had won the lottery last year, I would have been a pathetic rich guy. Or when I told my father – If I had invented the cure to cancer, I would have had to drag him to the Nobel Prize ceremony. Or when I tell myself in the mirror – If I had a completely different face, six-pack abs and a thick mane of hair, I would have been a disgusting Casanova.

Eradicating Wardrobe Malfunctions

You know how these models keep slipping out of their clothes and get away by blaming their designers? I am sure you do, dear readers, especially because you spent several hours searching for the term wardrobe malfunction on Google. (Hint: Search elsewhere). SilverScreen strongly condemns such malfunctions – it is our long held belief that the strength of the moral fabric of a society is inversely proportional to the strength of the fabric on catwalk models.

When it happened at the Lakme Fashion Week last month, the Maharashtra Government reacted rather admirably.

Maharashtra’s deputy chief minister R R Patil has ordered Mumbai police commissioner A N Roy to check the video clippings of Lakme Fashion Week, to verify if the wardrobe malfunctions that occurred on the ramp were genuine or ‘deliberate, indecent acts’.

On March 29 when Carol Gracias was walking the ramp for Bennu Sehgall’s collection, her halter top slipped off. A day later the skirt Gauhar Khan donned for the Lascelles Symons’s show split open. [Link]

But a month has passed now, and we are not sure what came out of the review. We are also not sure if Mr. A.N. Roy has come out of the sound-proof room he went into to watch the tapes in peace. Very disappointing for those of us who expected some quick action.

However, there is some good news now. Apparently, the Upper House of the Indian Parliament has spent a considerable amount of time debating the issue last week, and they’ve proposed a law making underwear compulsory for catwalk models. Thank God there are at least a few sane people left in this nation… we request all of you to write to your respective MPs to show your support for the law.

A proposal was mooted for undergarments being made mandatory for models on the catwalk and anguish expressed about clothes designed for such shows becoming shorter and tighter. [Link, through India Uncut.]

Even Rakhi Sawant agrees with us. We think.

“But undergarments are a necessity. However, on the ramp one should not interfere with the design of a dress and the episodes referred to were accidents.” She is quick to add,”But if the government feels, it should go ahead with it. [Link]

Eh, Rakhi… undergarments are a necessity, but we also strongly recommend some outergarments. In the most sensible part of the report, Amanpreet Wahi, catwalk model, brings up the question of enforcement.

An amused Amanpreet Wahi, model, simply cannot stop laughing.”If I was not wearing any, will they come to check? Who can tell me when to wear what?” [Link]

The writers at SilverScreen would like to let lawmakers know that in the interest of sewing together India’s torn moral fabric, they are willing to volunteer for the unpleasant job of checking models for proper attire before every catwalk. We’ll even do it for free – that’s how selfless we are.

Related post: To show or not to show

Chokher Bali Is Just A Veil

Chokher Bali, the Rituparno Ghosh “passion play” is an adaptation of an acclaimed Rabindranath Tagore novel for the big screen. When the movie was released, the critics raved about it, as they are wont to when the director’s previous movies have an arty feel to them, and rather surprisingly for an Aishwarya Rai starrer, it even made a little bit of money at the box office.

No deviation from the script, so far.

Buoyed by his success, Rituparno wanted to cash in some more, and so he decided to to dub his movie into Tamil. He brings in a bunch of Tamil distributors to watch the movie and they see right through the the movie: The whole “Tagore-Adultery-Period Piece” routine was just a wrapper to obfuscate the focal point of the movie: a ten second scene of Ms. Rai showing her bare back to the audience. Told you these guys are sharp…

So yes, the movie will be dubbed into Tamil and it will be titled “Aishwarya Rai is a Very Beautiful Woman.” [Aishwarya Rai Oru Perazhagi, Source, in Tamil.].

She plays the role of a young widow who is unable to control her biological inclinations and has an adulterous relationship with her friend’s husband. In this controversial subject, Aishwarya Rai has acted without a drape on top. [Link]

And this report in Tamil, telling us exactly why the movie should be watched.

Aishwarya does not wear a blouse through the entire movie, and she is always clad in a white saree. She has “poured” her beautiful body into the movie. In one scene, she wears nothing on top – dancing her way into the “chests” of readers. The censor board was “stunned” when they watched the movie, because all the “glamor scenes” appear “crystal clear.”

What movie were they watching, I wonder. But then again, we have to admit: this is no deviation from the script either.

Related posts: Distilling The Essence, Metamorphosis, Ingrates

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We are updating older posts to conform to the new stylesheet that we have started using now. We apologize if posts show up multiple times on your feedreader.

Done now.

Attaboy, Mr. Varma

This is a fair and balanced blog. Now we’ll be the first to admit that we aren’t big fans of Ram Gopal Varma, but when the man does something good, we’ll be the first to hand him his due.. in this case, he deserves a slurpy wet kiss (on the cheek, please) for his candor.

In a brave move, Varma has acknowledged in public what we’ve suspected for a long, long time. He can’t really make horror movies.

… the outspoken director referred to SRK’s best friend, Karan Johar’s Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, as a “horror film“. [Link]

“When I called K3G a horror film, I was actually paying Karan a backhanded compliment. I’m not capable of making a film like that. [Link]

Gee, it comes about two hundred movies too late, this realization of his, but we’ll take what we get.

Related posts: Silver is Speechless, Speech Is Silver: Blaspheming the Bard Editon, Lolita in Hindi

Speech is Silver: The Contradicting Oneself Edition

Koena Mitra, on plastic surgeries…

“It’s a very private thing for any woman to talk about,” says Mitra, the sexy Saki Saki girl from Musafir. “I think plastic surgery is like medicine you take when you fall down. If you realise there’s something missing in you, you go in for it.”… [Link, Indian Express]

Koena Mitra, on plastic surgeries…

“I take it as a compliment if people think I have gone under the knife to look good, when actually, it’s “natural”. People don’t use their brains before asking such ridiculous questions — I am not at an age where I need a facelift. [Link, Midday]

Meanwhile, reports say that Koena has sent a legal notice to MidDay, but not the Indian Express (or SilverScreen). Hmm..

Related posts: Metamorphosis, Speech Is Silver: Blaspheming the Bard Editon, Speech Is Silver II, Speech Is Silver

Silver is really, truly speechless

Ladies and Gentlemen, as part of our continuing series on hot South Indian heroes, we present this to you.

We are struck by the urge to say snarky things, but we are hurting from all the all the open jawed gawking we did: A feeble damn is all we can manage.

Related posts: Silver is Speechless, Pouring Hot And Cold, The Meaning Of Life, A picture is worth…, Chiru Scares in Thums Up ad…

Metamorphosis

One evening, as Sangeeth Sivan was recovering from a stupor induced by bad music, he discovered that his heroine had been changed into a slightly less monstrous creature. He sat on his chair back and saw, as he lifted his head up a little, her puffy, swollen face, unmistakably altered. Her two legs, pitifully thin in comparison to her bust, flickered helplessly before his eyes. [Franz, meet Bollywood.]

“It happened during the music launch of Ghai’s Shaadi Se Pehle. Yes, I did ask Koena what she had done to her face. She was looking very different from when I had seen her last, during the first schedule.”

“Koena told me that there was some problem with her teeth. She had had a tooth removed, and hence her face looked swollen.” Sivan said that Koena did not tell him that she had undergone any enhancement procedure. “But I have heard that Koena has had a facelift. People have been talking about it on the sets,” reveals the director. [Link]

Naturally enough, much strife followed the metamorphosis. On the sets of Sivan’s Money, Money, Money, Koena and Riya Sen got into a “cold war” with both of them accusing each other of getting facelifts.Unit hands say it wasn’t a pretty sight.

We are still trying to find out if the war got physical; and if so, if there was any ripping of clothes, and if so, if there was a cameraman nearby. We’ll let you know as soon as we find out.

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Thavamai thavamirunthu

Well, practice certainly makes perfect. Manish Malhotra, fashion designer extraordinaire, spent long years designing clothes for two-bit Bollywood stars. And at the end of this excruciating penance, voila, we geeve you ze moment of truth [Link]

Dino has bum chums

One time in college, I had to endure a crash course in Tamil Cussin-guistics from a classmate, after I had just popped his head with a water-filled plastic bag. Not too pleasant an experience. I never knew my great-uncle’s niece, farm animals & construction equipment could be used in the same sentence with such biting effect.

Not Dino Morea, but close

But those were mere words that healed over time. I fear a worse fate for Dino Morea.

Actor Dino Morea admits to playing pranks on Celina Jaitley – his co-star in “Tom Dick & Harry” – like pouring vodka into her coffee and tying her down to a chair! “Another time Celina was wearing this elaborate dress with lots of frills. I tied her dress to the chair. When she got up, the chair came with her,” he added. Link

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Ingrates!

India is miffed, and rightfully so.

So these two hot chicks travel all the way to France on Indian passports. With tickets purchased using Indian money made from acting in Indian movies shot mostly in Switzerland. See how much India has done for them already?

And what do these ungrateful bimbos do the moment they land in France? They toss away their beautiful Indian clothes and change into clothes designed by white people. Oh the travesty of it! The sheer blasphemy.

On the other hand, Bollywood has become a symbol of India, celebrated on international catwalks and even at the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne. Therefore, what Aishwarya Rai and Preity Zinta wear is of great significance.Within our limits, in a world ruled by pulchritude, there is much to consider. One might say that the Rais and Zintas of this world have a right to dress how they want to and should not be subject to any nationalistic pressure.

But others say that as long as they present themselves as Indian actresses, they must bear the Indian part in mind, especially overseas. [Link]

And here’s Shobhaa De, understated as always, calling it a disaster.

[...] Shobhaa De said, “It is disaster, disaster, disaster. When India is the international flavour, why are our girls dressing like Marys off to church? Even if it is fusion wear, they should be showcasing our brilliant crafts.

Instead, they are looking like Hispanic nobodies- Penelope Cruz’s handmaidens, Salma Hayek’s dressers. Bollywood actresses should wear India with pride. [Link]

Very sad indeed. SilverScreen recommends that the Gujarat Government consider banning all movies featuring these two ungrateful young starlets. It is high time someone taught them a lesson.

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It’s to be a funny, funny movie. Really.

Bollywood’s making a sequel to Hera Pheri [Link]. We understand that this is going to be a funny movie. The leading lady takes great effort to reassure us that it’s a funny movie.

Basu says: “It definitely is really funny. Even the songs in the film have comic timing. I am doing an item number with Akshay which is also very funny.”

“I have seen the first film ‘Hera Pheri’. And it is really funny. [Link]

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

PS: A funny item number, forgive me, a very funny item number…Now there’s a first! Perhaps there’s a reason to watch this movie, after all, eh?

Distilling the Essence

Chingaari (The Spark), the Kalpana Lajmi movie that has Sushmita Sen playing a callgirl, is now playing to “packed houses” in Tamil. The dubbed movie is titled Sivappu Vilakku Singari.[1] Heh. [Link, in Tamil]

These guys don’t beat around the bush, do they? Dunno if you see it, but Singari even rhymes with Chingaari. Such genius.

PS: And please, don’t ask for Sushmita pictures with this post. This is not about that.

PPS: In an interesting sidenote, Chingaari was originally titled A Prostitute and A Postman. Hah! (Ok, I was being presumptuous when I said interesting sidenote.)

[1] : A loose translation would be Red Light Rachel, but that doesn’t even begin to capture the sheer magic of the Tamil title.

Related Posts: Lost In Translation

Wanted: A Minimum Sexiness Standard

So, Hollywood makes the occasional decent movie. And folks in India want to “Indianize” them. Fine, we say. If we have to watch a rehash of an OK English movie, it’s a safer bet than a rehash of an OK Indian movie. [Link]

But surely, there must be some standards! For every Surya playing Guy Pierce, we get saddled with some casting director’s pathetic attempt to pass off Nayanthara as Carrie Ann Moss.

Now, we learn that Karan is apparently playing a role originally played by Patrick Dempsey [Link].

Just because lots of Tamil men like rotund stars doesn’t mean that Tamil women must, too! Can desi Hollywood fans please get someone to pass a Minimum Sexiness Standard? We submit exhibits 1A through 1D as the people’s evidence.

Speech Is Silver: Blaspheming the Bard Editon

Ajay Devgan, foot firmly in mouth, on his upcoming film Omkara which is supposedly based on Shakespeare’s Othello.

Devgan, who admitted he had not read Othello before shooting began, said the Hindi film was, in some senses, “better”.

“We picked up the story line and it’s completely adapted by Vishal. The way he has adapted it I would want to say he has done a great job — for me it is better than the original, the way he has adapted it.” [Link]

Ajay Devgan, foot starting to tickle throat by now, continues…

“I am not letting Shakespeare down or anything of the sort but when you make a novel into a film, there has to be some changes according to our country — though the whole credit is to Shakespeare…” [Link]

Ajay Devgan, botched attempt at extrication of foot causing it to slide deeper down esophagus, has more wisdom to proffer.

“What I was trying to say (is) the original was not a film, when we talk of Shakespeare,” Devgan pointed out. [Link]

Not a film. Good Lord, who would’ve thought.

And here’s Viveik “characteristically eloquent” Oberoi, holding court on the same subject.

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To show or not to show

The Mid Day reports that Tanushree Dutta, former Miss Universe has done something totally out of character: A No Show.

At a recent award ceremony, a Diva act was on the schedule, starring Tanushree Dutta, Koena Mitra and Udita Goswami, and choreographed by Ganesh Hegde — but when Tanushree’s name was announced on stage, the actress didn’t turn up.

Frantic calls were made to locate Tanushree, but nobody could trace her. Finally, after Udita’s songs, Koena had to come out and do her medley.

Ganesh was very depressed. Half an hour after the show ended, somebody saw Tanushree wandering around. [Link]

Poor Tanushree. Cut her some slack will ya? It is not like she is a habitual no-shower. See this if you don’t believe me.

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